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Susie Dent admits she eavesdrops on strangers’ conversations in the hope of hearing malapropisms


The beneath record was compiled after a survey of two,000 Britons by Starkey Listening to Applied sciences in 2016:  

1. ‘Cash for nothin’ and chips totally free’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Cash for nothin’ and your chicks totally free’ from Dire Straits’ ‘Cash For Nothing’.

2. ‘Each time you go away, you are taking a chunk of meat with you’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Each time you go away take a chunk of me with you’ from Paul Younger’s ‘Each Time You Go Away’.

3. ‘Sue Lawley’. Appropriate lyric: ‘So lonely’ from The Police’s ‘So Lonely’.

4. ‘We constructed this metropolis on sausage rolls’. Appropriate lyric: ‘We constructed this metropolis on rock ‘n’ roll’ from Starship’s ‘We Constructed This Metropolis’.

5. ‘Saving his life from this heat sausage tea’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Spare him his life from this monstrosity’ from Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

6. ‘See that woman, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen’. Appropriate lyric: ‘See that woman, watch that scene, diggin’ the Dancing Queen’ from ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

7. ‘Excuse me whereas I kiss this man’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Excuse me whereas I kiss the sky’ from Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Purple Haze’.

8. ‘Dancing queen, really feel the beat from the tangerine’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Dancing queen, really feel the beat from the tambourine’ from ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

9. ‘Candy goals are fabricated from cheese’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Candy goals are made of those’ from The Eurythmics’ ‘Candy Desires (are fabricated from this)’.

10. ‘Calling Jamaica’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Name me if you attempt to wake her’ from R.E.M.’s ‘The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite’.

11. ‘Or ought to I simply preserve chasing penguins’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Or ought to I simply preserve chasing pavements’ from Adele’s ‘Chasing Pavements’.

12. ‘All of the lonely Starbucks lovers’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Acquired a protracted record of ex-lovers’ from Taylor Swift’s ‘Clean Area’.

13. ‘I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I can see clearly now, the rain is gone’ from Johnny Nash’s ‘I can see clearly now’.

14. ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme a person after midnight, take me to the medical doctors on the break of the day’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Take me by the darkness to the break of the day’ from ABBA’s ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’.

15. ‘Poppadom Peach’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Papa do not preach’ from Madonna’s ‘Papa do not preach’.

16. ‘It doesn’t make a distinction if we’re bare or not’. Appropriate lyric: ‘It doesn’t make a distinction if we make it or not’ from Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’.

17. ‘I am farting carrots’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I am 14 carat’ from Selena Gomez’s ‘Good for you’.

18. ‘Then I noticed her face, now I’m gonna go away her’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Then I noticed her face, now I’m a believer’ from The Monkees’ ‘I’m a Believer’.

19. ‘I wish to maintain your ham’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I wish to maintain your hand’ from The Beatles’ ‘I wish to maintain your hand’.

20. ‘Kicking your cat everywhere’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Kicking your can everywhere’ from Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’.

21. ‘Blue seal within the sky with diamonds’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Lucy within the sky with diamonds’ from The Beatles’ ‘Lucy within the sky with diamonds’.

22. ‘Dyslexics on hearth’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Your intercourse is on hearth’ from Kings of Leon’s ‘Intercourse on Hearth’.

23. ‘Right here we are actually, in containers’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Right here we are actually, entertain us’ from Nirvana’s ‘Smells like teen spirit’.

24. “Let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee in the spotlight”. Appropriate lyric: “That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight” from R.E.M.’s ‘Dropping my faith’.

25. ‘Bald-headed girl… bald-headed girl to me’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Greater than a lady… greater than a lady to me’ from the Bee Gees’ ‘Greater than a lady’.

26. ‘I take away umbilicals’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I imagine in miracles’ from Sizzling Chocolate’s ‘You Attractive Factor’.

27. ‘We’re caught in a trout’. Appropriate lyric: ‘We’re caught in a lure’ from Elvis Presley’s ‘Suspicious Minds’

28. ‘I am Terry Wogan’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I am each girl’ from Chaka Khan’s ‘I’m each girl’.

29. ‘Let me simply staple the vicar’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Simply let me state for the report’ from Sister Sledge’s ‘We Are Household’.

30. ‘That is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus’. Appropriate lyric: ‘That is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius’ from Fifth Dimension’s ‘Aquarius’.

31. ‘You are the wobbly one’. Appropriate lyric: ‘You are the one which I need’ from John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John’s ‘One which I need’.

32. ‘Do not go Jason Waterfalls’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Do not go chasing waterfalls’ from TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’.

33. ‘A yr has handed since I broke my nostril’. Appropriate lyric: ‘A yr has handed since I wrote my word’ from The Police’s ‘Message In A Bottle’.

34. ‘Kick a hen with it’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Gettin’ jiggy with it’ from Will Smith’s ‘Gettin’ jiggy with it’.

35. ‘Maintain me nearer, Tony Danza’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Maintain me nearer, tiny dancer’ from Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer’.

36. ‘Take your enamel out, inform me what’s flawed’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Chiquitita, inform me what’s flawed’ from Abba’s ‘Chiquitita’.

37. ‘I like huge butts in a can of limes’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I like huge butts and I can not lie’ from Sir Combine-A-Lot’s ‘Child Acquired Again’.

38. ‘We’re working for peanuts’. Appropriate lyric: ‘We’re heading for Venus’ from Europe’s ‘The Remaining Countdown’.

39. ‘I simply died in your barn tonight, mustard no mayonnaise as an alternative’. Appropriate lyric: ‘I simply died in your arms tonight, It will need to have been one thing you stated’ from Slicing Crew’s ‘I simply died in your arms tonight’.

40. ‘Aww freak cow! Le freak, c’est sheep’. Appropriate lyric: ‘Aww freak out! Le freak, c’est Stylish’ from Stylish’s ‘Le Freak’.


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